G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Loud, shiny, and critic-proof, this franchise launcher is basically Transformers minus the humanity.

[Director] Sommers did the first two chaotic Mummy remakes; those play like Tender Mercies compared to this one.

Basically Team America: World Police played straight and minus the political edge.

After a first hour that plays like a bad TV show, Sommers hits his groove with an over-the-top Paris chase sequence that, in turn, leads to an underwater finale that's absurdly overproduced, momentarily diverting, and then instantly forgettable.

Sometimes, a film defies conventional narrative and artistic standards so utterly that it seems unfair to judge it by them.... Consider this a tone poem in 40 scraps of dialogue.

This pricey, juiceless pulp could never have been killed by critics, simply because it was already dead.

You’d be better off buying the toys and acting out your own adventures—the result would prove more satisfying.

Tatum fits the bill as a soldier well, physically and mentally, but his acting skills are rough.

Appalling blockbuster garbage.

At least plenty of stuff blows up.