Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

As lumbering as its title, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales will leave you running for the plank, or the exit.

Oh, if only dead men told no tales. Then we might have avoided this fifth Pirates of the Caribbean adventure, which fails to justify its own existence in any way whatsoever.

There are lame, crude jokes about bottoms and horologists. There is $230 million of CG effects that never look like anything more than pixels. And then there's Depp's panto drunkenness.

The subtitle of the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie is "Dead Men Tell No Tales." The moral of the movie, alas, is that the same cannot be said of dead franchises.

If being dull, gruesome and obnoxiously loud weren't enough, Dead Men Tell No Tales makes sure to get in a blast of sexism, too.

The plot is nominal, and so are the film's first 90 minutes (Paul McCartney cameo included).

This is an unnecessary film that delivers exactly what the audience expects in the most uninteresting ways.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tells No Tales is not a great film by any means. It is a passable finale to a franchise that has lasted longer than anyone ever anticipated.

Judge it accordingly, I suppose. The newest Pirates film isn't all that great, but it is enjoyable. If this series be your fancy, sail away. If not, stay at the dock. After all, dead-bored movie watchers tell no tales.

On the surface, "Dead Men" isn't a film with deep insights. It's action-adventure and fun, but it does have something to say about the lengths to which we will go for those we love.