The Emoji Movie

One wishes that this movie could be erased from existence - but for now, let's hope that the burning wreckage acts as a warning to never, ever do this again.

If I'm not dreaming, I've just seen one of the boldest mainstream American movies in ages.

Occasionally it's as if The Lego Movie is reaching out a long, friendly arm to Inside Out and falling into the chasm between. But the film is inventive too.

The worst thing in this consistently dire effort to pick the pockets of young, vulnerable cretins is its determination to exploit the unworkable premise to death and beyond.

A strident palette of candy-coloured empty calories and poop jokes and a cynical message about accepting yourself had me searching for an emoji showing a dispirited film critic hanging from a noose fashioned from a phone-charger cable.

The Emoji Movie is not just a critical flop, but also a metaphor for a Hollywood that is struggling to find the line between branding that audiences love and branding that audiences resent.

It's hard to decide what is most annoying about this cinematic botch: the ugly animation, the contrived story or the blatant product placement, or the fact that the filmmakers spoil almost every gag by underlining it twice.

It's a horrifying scene set atop a pile of trash, but the pure absurdity of its existence is enough to make one laugh in shock and disbelief.

No one beyond the smallest of children should be entertained by this shameless money grab that fails in virtually every way.

This wasn't a movie. This doesn't count.